How to Care for a Fangirl: Ten Easy Steps to a Happier, Healthier Fangirl.

Collette Jones, BACK AT LAST!

SO. You've discovered  curious creature living in your house. You've picked up a sorry existence from the local library. You've met a new best friend in Bio 101. You have a new flatmate. However you've adopted it into your life, if you're reading this it's because you're stumped as to how to care for your new... fangirl. She cries easily, yells and throws things and sobs and sobs and laughs and then sobs and then turns the computer off in a rage and goes onto her phone. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. She's wasting away. This curious creature seems to be obsessed with strange looking men who MUST be British, because what other sort of mother would name their child Benedict Cumberbatch, or Tom Hiddleston, or David Tennant, hmmmmm???? Well, know that you are not the only one to witness this curious phenomenon. In fact, so many people have seen this, and lived through it, that we here at IRIS AND COLLETTE'S ATTEMPT TO TAKE OVER THE WEB have compiled an easy-to-follow ten step guide to a happy healthy fangirl who has accepted you into her life. Our ultimate goal with this guide is to help you and your fangirl become so close she may even eventually talk to you about non-fandom-related things. 

So, Collette's guide to a healthier happier fangirl begins here:

1.) Food.
          Fangirls are liable to go days on end without significant amounts of human contact. You would think that this means that fangirls would be able to take care of themselves, but in fact, your fangirl, if left alone, will forget to feed herself. Always make sure she has lots of ready-to-eat food available. Sugars and carbs are the staple of a fangirl's diet.
They will also need comfort food, for season finales, sudden plot twists, and sad music videos, gifs, and fanfictions.

( LOOKIN' AT YOU ALONE ON THE WATER. LOOKIN AT YOU!)

2.) Fast Internet and fuel for her hobbies.
       Your fangirl will be very apt at entertaining herself, but she will need a few tools in order to create her distractions. Among them are fast wifi. The largest connection availible on your budget. Depending on her hobbies, she may also want all sorts of crafty things: craft foam, hot glue, fabric. Then you may rest assured that you have a cosplaying fangirl on your hands. Congratulations! Or your fangirl will request such things as ArtRage 2, MyPaint, Java Image Editor; if she does then you have that wonderful breed of fangirl that creates fanart. Your fangirl may want Word, or plotbunnies, or yell at you about deadlines and angry reviews. If this is the case, you have a writer. Or, she may want Sony Vegas Pro, and in this case she's going to create lots of wonderful fandom-y videos for you. Buy her DVDs. Lots of them.

3.) Comfy chair, bed, or safe haven where they can sleep, live and cry in peace.
       Your fangirl will need a warm blanket she can carry everywhere with her. She will also need a well worn but comfortable piece of furniture that you no longer care about, because when your fangirl gets ahold of it, it will soon be covered in the blood (from nosebleeds), sweat (from particularly suspenseful episodes of Dr. Who) and tears (from all the horrible things that make fangirls truly fall in love with a show) of the fandoms that dictate your fangirls life.

See the lovely comfy chair?

   Cushions, snuggies, blankets... 

 

 

 

 

Monty Python? No? Too Soon? Okay...

4.) Emotional comfort in the form of new obsessions or good feels from old favorites.
       When your fangirl has finished sobbing or raging at whatever has caused her emotional upheaval, she will need you, her caretaker, to comfort her and get her back to normal (or what you find passes for normal with your fangirl's... Distinctive... Behavior). Remind her of next season, of completed shows, of favorite fanfictions, show her some new blogs on tumblr. DO NOT try to fangirl to her about something else, fangirl back, or rage at something in your life. When a fangirl reaches out for comfort she will be completely consumed and will not be able to care less about your own problems. Simply allow her to vent, and once she has calmed down and returned to normal THEN talk to her about the developments in your own obsessions.

5.) Paraphernalia and memorabilia relating to various obsessions.

       Your fangirl will care about you in a rather detached fashion, occasionally looking to you when she runs out of tissues or has to engage in society and needs you for transportation, but she will not give and you should not expect for her to love you with the same fervor she loves her fandoms. That is why she is a "fangirl" and not a "caretakergirl" or something silly. In order for you to get the level of affection you desire, you must shower your fangirl with what she loves most. Supernatural blankets, Sherlock Cluedo, Dr. Who tea set, Game of Thrones plushies.... t-shirts, food, toys, anything that has a logo your fangirl drools over. Send it her way and eventually she will deem you worthy of her love.

6.) Several days in which she can be completely forgotten.
       A fangirl is never happier than when left to her own devices. During this time, simply give her food and leave the bathroom door open. You may or may not see her when she makes the trek from bed to chair to shower to bed. Be forewarned.

7.) Make sure to keep her emotional state in check.
       Calm her down when she gets out of hand and allow her to cry when the self inflicted feels are too much. Keep her from acting out any dangerous scenes from various shows but allow her to cosplay and role play as needed. Always be ready with a hug. Your fangirl may not want to be comforted at times; in these instances, simply cover her with a blanket and move her into a quiet place to cry where you can comfort from a distance and make sure she is not engaging in any harmful activities such as reading Wikipedia articles about the episodes she has yet to watch or binging on the Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk you got her in compliance to rule one.
  
8.) No judging.
       Your fangirl will engage in all sorts of strange rituals, exhibit sometime cult-like behavior or loyalty to a person or idea. She will imagine all sorts of people in strange situations, some of which she will be old enough for and some of which she will not; nevertheless you must never cast judgement or she will lash out with rage and withdraw into the Internet for days on end.

9.) Subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu, Crunchyroll, Funimation, NBC, BBC, whatever is needed to keep her happy and up to date on her favorite television shows.
       While your fangirl will most certainly watch her shows on TV, she will also want to rewatch them, and be able to pause them at her leisure to restock on the ice cream, grab some more tissues, and post on facebook about the gorgeousness of Merthur for only the thousandth time. She will also not want to put up with ads because there is nothing worse than having a great fuzzy moment only to have it interrupted by some obnoxious ad for a product she cares nothing about. You wanna see an angry fangirl? Tell her about Crest Whitening strips right after Rory and Amy share their last kiss. Even if they don't know it's their last yet.

10.) Most importantly, in order to keep your fangirl happy and to be able to connect with her and forge the deep relationship you want, you must share in your fangirl's obsessions.
       No amount of blankets, internet, gifts and food will make your fangirl love you if she feels like you don't understand her. You must throw lots of references into her everyday life to make her understand and have her connect to you. Whilst paraphernalia is a needed part of the fangirl-caretaker relationship, it is an infinitesimal aspect compared to the shared obsessions part of your bond.

Hopefully, these will make everyone's life a bit easier, the fangirls and the caretakers, the obsessers and obsessees.